THE Cycle OF ANGEr

 

Why do we always seem to find ourselves back at “square one,” experiencing yet another uncontrollable bout of anger directed towards our partners, co-workers, friends or family? We think of ourselves as reasonably intelligent people - we make amends, we thought we “doing so good...,” then, Boom! We’re back at it again.

 

Try to think of yourself as trapped on a closed-loop train-track (see graphic). Each event, each section of the “track” you’re on depends on the other parts to hold itself together. ANY INTERVENTION at ANY part of the loop disrupts the cycle and begins to free you from its power.

 

Most folks assume there is only one way to stop the cycle—that is, at the explosive, hard-to-miss “Acting Out” stage. Sounds good—except that this is the place where you are LEAST present to your long-range goal of getting healthy. At this point, it’s hard to slow that barreling freight train down, isn’t it?

 

Try not buying into the “Relative Calm” stage. This is the stage after the big fight when the tension has cleared somewhat and we're basically getting along. This is the stage where we tell ourselves, “You know, we’re not such a bad couple after all, we’ve had a nice romantic evening... I know we’ve got what it takes to turn this around... I’ll never say or do that again.” RIGHT THERE, the stage is set for the inevitable re-enactment. The next day, or in a few days, your partner just starts to get subtly on your nerves. But you blow it off, you handle it. Soon something small happens again, an imperceptible pressure begins to build—but still you’re handling it. Day 5 brings the final straw, and BOOM. HUGE conflict, huge fight, tears, words you should never have said - you know the drill. The next day, of course, you feel absolutely awful - defeated, frightened - mostly terminally angry at YOURSELF for being such a - a - loser. You try and make it up to them - flowers, promises, kisses, apologies, gifts—and things eventually calm down. You think to yourself, “You know, we’re not such a bad couple after all, we’ve had a nice romantic evening... I know we’ve got what it takes to turn this around... I’ll never say or do that again.”

 

DO SOMETHING—ANYTHING—DIFFERENT at ANY STAGE of the cycle. Feeling unbearable shame? Don’t. Do the opposite. Tell yourself the story of your life and drum up some garden-variety compassion for ALL that you’ve been through. Feeling calm? Don’t. Remind yourself of the falseness of this stage, that it’s about denial—write about what just happened only days (hours?) before. Buying gifts? Making apologies? Don’t. Simply sit with the awareness of what just happened and let it really sink in. Pressure building? Name it. Out yourself. Tell your partner (co-worker, etc.) that you can feel how your train’s a-rolling down that track to TroubleTown... and that you sincerely want it to change. If you do want it to change—you’re going to have to actually change something, something, something...

What we must first realize is that we are actually, really TRAPPED on this closed loop—as simple as that sounds. We WILL act out our anger next time (as sure as the sun will rise) UNLESS we know this plain fact in our bones. This “acting out cycle” behaves no differently from any other kind of addiction - we’re powerless until we know we’re powerless.  TB